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Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Four Stars: Unquestionably, Shia Labeouf's tour de force
    Michael Bay has released his latest F*** you to elitists and their "intelligence", and we here at Mission-In-Freaking-Sanity have never been so happy to see them insulted. But, quite frankly, we were worried at first. As you may remember, after the unfathomable success of Transformers 2,  a small but vocal group of bloggers and journalists conspired to slander its genius, presumably because Hollywood chose to make it instead of Lost in Translation 2.  Michael Bay and Shia responded by appeasing its critics with a promise to focus more on storytelling in the third third film, presumably at the expense of slow-mo badassery. 

    But don't be alarmed. Despite Bay's claims, this movie is just as sweet as the previous installment. Sure, some details have been tweaked, but the spirit has remained true to its predecessors. For example, Megan Fox may have been replaced, but trust us, Rosi Huntington-Whiteley is just as talented. 

   Her and Jason Statham must have a lot to talk about. 

Unfortunately, the beloved black-bots have also been removed due to complaints from powerful interests who dislike minorities in mass entertainment. 

Rest in Peace, diversity. 

But again, Bay has managed to fill the gapping cultural void in a very tactful manner. Now we have a hilarious, obese Cockney transformer who quarters Decepticons!

 Roadbuster, alien-robot for international audiences, who is also a Chevy

More or less, this film is the same as the others, only amplified by 11. Sweet. Where else do you get to see dozens of skydiving commandos flying amongst crumbling Chicago sky-scrappers as helicopters crash around them? 

David Bordwell's cognitive-cinematic state of  "Bitchin"

Bay's remarks seem to have been merely bait for those who disliked the prior Transformer films. They are told that this one will be different, lured into a dark room and then forced to watch three hours of fight scenes between gigantic car-robots who have the personalities of junior high x-box live addicts. Somewhere, Bay is laughing malevolently as he ponders the fate of those "intelligent" suckers. 

P.S. One star off for changing the cool title to avoid copywrite infringement. Pussies. 

Review: Taylor